immediately our sun makes a trine to chiron in taurus, reminding us to take care of ourselves and tend to the wounds that come up. only we can build our safety nets, though it doesnt have to be alone.

virgo is associated with wheat and corn and the grains we harvest. this will feel more comfortable once the energy of the eclipse settles down and we officially leave the virgo-pisces nodal axis behind us.

mercury quickly follows the sun into virgo and on thursday is cazimi right before the full moon/partial eclipse.

this all makes a square to uranus in gemini - uranus is famous for bringing shocks and surprises and change

if we run in the mud (mutable earth) it might turn into a mudslide before we can relax into a slow and cooling mud bath.

the uranus gemini square tells us how its easy to have big dreams and big ideas and to tell the world about them and the sun in virgo says, but are we doing anything to get there?

how are we taking care of our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits?
are we doing those morning pages, meditation, research, investing, saving, daily doodles, or anything to feed lunar our appetites in a more satisfying way?
whatever it is,
how much time are we spending thinking about doing vs actually doing?
and are we making time for just being?

but lets all be gentle with ourselves.

right now its time to go on the digestion walk from the summer, and take a pause from the chatter. let go of the worldy clamors that sit just inside the mind and take a thoughtful action towards fulfilment. this virgo season can remind us that preparation and research is an action, and its important to have what we want and where we plan on going on paper so we don’t miss our important details.

we can only handle a surprise, a shock, or a crisis if we have the ability to pause and sit in the present with the current information.

so whats on the list of dreams that we closed out from the first pisces/virgo eclipse in september 2024 and what dreams have gotten bigger? and how can you work backwards to start on the next dream today?

1. getting my ear’s pierced

2. how my mom’s parents looked and sounded

3. how to use a lock and my old locker combination

4. the password to all of my twitter accounts

5. how it feels to be truly stuck at home

6. my taco bell employee number

7. how to sit down and write a real essay

8. any night out at waterworks in albany

9. how to play the clarinet, guitar, or drums

10. the last time i scraped my knees

write down 10 things you remember

1. my first favorite album - american idiot by greenday

2. the beach house we went to growing up in brigantine

3. how to get my ex’s house from both of my parent’s places

4. when i got my first period and when i finally told my mom i got my period

5. the layout of every restaurant i worked in

6. the first and last time i ever drank alcohol

7. when i lost my tooth at my mom’s client’s party on the blow up water slide

8. sylvester’s last day alive with me

9. the songs from seussical the musical

10. kayaking alongside dolphins on the jersey shore

i havent been meditating as consistently as i had been

temporary schedule changes are showing me that my roots are quite rooted

perhaps wide but not deep and im draining my soil of nutrients

its funny

when im tired, or hungry, or slightly discontent - i see the most atrocious visions

a tree sucking up all the nutrients because the gardener went on a vacation

and im the tree and the gardener and the soil and the roots and the leaves

trying so hard to sustain just from sunshine

the gardener is coming back, to tend to the soil and other crops

and i believe rain is coming soon

and the good thing about trees is that stand tall for a long time

resilient

i like that about trees

and in my head its almost fall- its almost time for the air to cool, leaves to change, and then make their way down down down to cover the floor until the next equinox

its not even virgo season yet.

maybe i want to the slow to start rolling in

virgo, the watery earth sign, i think of mud

mud is cooling and slippery and good for our skin (allegedly)

its a good place to relax its a good place to lay its even a good place to play, but a bad place to run

or a bad place to try to rush the process

The past 10 days of Leo have tired me in a way I didn’t expect

11th house sun and Jupiter transits

i always love the summer and my friends but for the first time I might be looking forward to staying inside for the winter, hibernating a little like a bear

hosting from the living room

and taking care of some solitary time

The Jupiter Cazimi Opposite the Full Moon conjunct Pluto is shining light on to my unsustainable habits. To Do List: sleep, clean, run

but there are a million more things, i just feel like my hands arent big enough

Isn’t it funny how quickly the human body can adapt

Eyes to salt water, sunlight ,and sand

Body to cold cold water and wind

Its like you can still feel the glaciers that lived millions of years ago

Only the ocean had spoken to me before

with her loud volcanic underbelly and violent waves

But there’s a deep vibration pulsing through the western peaks and valleys

not as loud as the ocean

and not as familiar as fields of green green grass, corn, and wheat

there are great silhouettes

Of giant women laying close

the sun and the moon dance between the peaks

And i have vertigo looking for the summit thats impossible to reach

Only after a humble try to touch the top

She let me feeeeeeeel

The pools of energy that sit far down por la tierra

I could hear the deep breath of mother earth

Rooted and relaxed

How sturdy she lays

Oh how i wish to channel in the energy of the earth

Grounded down far and wide

Reaching up tall and far

Could i too let the myself expose the layers of my life

And continue to carry the new growth on my surface

Sedimentary visual reminders of the passage of time

Scars by water and burns from big fires

Cutting my fingers with knives and bad tattoos

More and more information

The tiniest pieces of a bigger story

Only able to be received bit by bit

Unfathomable for a human mind

And impossible to hold with our small small hands

Aelianus (170-230 CE) On the Characteristics of Animals, Book 2, chapter 19 Scholfield translation

am i my own baby? am i rolling my formless ball of a soul into who i am becoming?

spinning fast on the pottery wheel everything feels lost on me

i dont know when to use my smooth tongue or my sharp claws to let her know of her achievements and glories and mistakes and missteps

Can i trust the moon to tell her story?

i want mother bear to take a bite of my body

give me a better and good shape

subtract inches from my waist line

Add curves where they matter

but bears are plump and why on heaven or earth would i not love the body of my mothers and daughters

I have strong legs that bring me far

we nourish the soul to feed the body and we dont give up that easily

am i my mother? a mother bear protecting my baby from dangers and hurt

how do we teach our babies danger is wrong when i love danger

the rush of the hunt or the rush of being hunted

flattening

collapsing in

theres no finality until the fires and

flames of the kiln solidify me and my

baby and my body and my mother

how can i put my baby in the fire and trust i will be okay

how did i emerge from the fire trusting my

mother knew more than i know now

im just a bear

my claws and fur forming new claws and fur

but to lose my baby who i dont yet know

would bring me to lose my life for the rest of time

i dont always need to be on the express train, local is nice. the local train allows me to be a little more spontaneous with where i choose to get off and walk around. if i dont even know exactly where im going, why do i feel like faster is better.

the other side of this coin, is when i rush into the local train just to watch the express train speed past me a few stops in. if i just wait the extra 5 minutes, i could arrive 10 minutes earlier.

im thinking about a few instances where i have had hours between or before something. i used to sit - stuck - in my apartment or in my car. physically and mentally incapable of doing anything. there is a paralyzing fear of not enough time that fulfills its own prophecy.

but when i started challenging myself to take my time in smaller increments i learned i can do more with it. i still forget the tortoise won the race yanno

i learned how to use up my time by watching my friends, especially my friend emil (miss u if u ever come across this). the way he ran from place to place and person to person to school to work to gym was so inspiring to me

the illusion of time is so interesting.

they say animals with a slower digestion experience time at a slower rate of time allegedly, and a reduction in dopamine also can slow down time. probably why instagram and short form content are making people feel like they are wasting their lives, because we are ! dopamine od time traveling into the future in a bad way

- source

anyways

where does the time go when i feel like i have none of it? no where, its just when i cant accept im on the local train to nowhere i can read some of my book or get off and walk through a neighborhood i have never seen before.

things are feeling very ooblek lately

so mercury rx, new moon in cancer and this basket is about to be SET UP once Jupiter sits itself into the 4th degree of Leo for a moment, a cancerian degree.

so its can very nurturing or making the baby basket to nurture something i want to create and pour my attention and time and love into

whats scary and funny is this sits on my north node in leo, neptune/venus in aquarius, and mars in aries

its like someone told me to blow up and make 50 balloon animals and as i try to rush i pop some, a spooked cat knocks over a candle, and now my house is on fire.

the cancer energy is about how can i keep my home a place that feeds me, not a place that feeds a fire.

mars in gemini and virgo venus are both tethered to mercury rx in cancer right now

i wouldnt say its any time to act, which gives me the feeling of running out of time, but when i know time is infinite a rush does not exist

but virgo and gemini want information they want to know the details they want to share the details and they want to dissect and parse through what we know

and luckily i know nothing

can we please go to disneyworld?

dear god,

can i get the tinkerbell dress?

dear god,

its 5:33, my mom’s note says she will be back at 5:30,

god? is my mom dead.

god please help my mom not be dead

dear god,

can you help me avoid all the cracks in the sidewalk?

dear god,

please dont let my know find out i ate too many pizza rolls

dear god,

i hate you

dear god,

i was kidding please dont smite me

dear god,

if i keep a rosary next to my head while i sleep will that stop the vampires and demons from breaking into my room and killing me? please dont let them get me

thanks

dear god,

can i please pass this class?

dear god,

will harry styles notice me? can zayn come out on stage?

dear god,

can i have 3000 followers on twitter

dear god,

can we win this game

dear god,

will you please kill me? and some others?

dear god,

im going to go out tonight, if youre real

i want to drink for free all night and make a friend

thank you

dear god,

i want to be skinny and have a fat ass

dear god,

thanks for keeping me alive but why do these things keep happening

dear god,

please end my misery

dear god,

please send me the love of my life

tall, hot, rich

dear god,

please give me a million dollars

or 50k is enough honestly

dear god,

if youre real please show me im so lucky

dear god,

please kill meeeeee

dear god,

im sorry

dear god,

what do i need to do to get better

dear god,

please show me a better way

dear god,

i want a new job

dear god,

thank you for my life but please can i have more love and happiness and money

dear god,

i want love

dear god,

i want to be skinny

dear god,

please can i find a better job

dear god,

can you clear my skin

dear god,

please can this person like me

dear god,

can i have the willingness to run

dear god,

can you grant me the willingnss to clean my room

dear god,

thank you for today

dear god,

can you grant me the willingness to do the steps

dear god,

thank you for today

dear god,

can you show me how taken care of i am

dear god,

thank you for today

dear god,

can you help me stay sober

dear god,

thank you for today

dear god,

can you walk in the room before me

can you help me pause

dear god,

thank you for today

dear god,

please grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference

dear god,

i still want a new job

please grant me willingness to continue on with grace

dear god,

thank you for today

i start acting in unkind ways

i feel too big and too small

how uncomfortable and hard it is

to right size yourself and others

White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane

i used to enjoy positioning myself head on into danger

i was always in someone’s house or car where i willingly gave up my safety

so i could feel like it was all my choice

can i accept that i have no control?

i’ll go lay in the ant hill, the bites hurt but im asking for it

i dont realize how safe i have made my life

how comfortable i am

and its easy to forget that my best thinking brought me to a place of surrendering my will and my life by 25

i saw the house where i was raped for the first time

i was 18

my pain loudly wanted more pain

the house is right on washington avenue

by the corner of quail

its red and the bus stop is right out front

my body was infested with bugs

and i tried to kill them by making my body uninhabitable

it only let the bugs eat me alive and take me down

i started talking to the bugs last year and a lot of them moved out

but some are too tucked in to the corners and under the carpeted flooring

after a home is infested

we keep treating it and checking in

like how many mice babies have been left behind

are some of my roaches are immune to medicine

why am i still dealing with these infestations?

its been years - but only one since i gutted this house

there are no longer worms crawling around in my skin

but i still dont feel clean

where did they lay their eggs? and do they incubate in the parts the light still cant reach?

how am i supposed to take action if im constantly sitting in the mirror

i cant stop staring at myself and the room behind me

noticing noticing noticing

more things that i need to clean up

work on

fix

i crave a mess

a to do list that never gets done

fake lists

fake lists

steps and steps and steps

but im standing in the same place

then he told me he has to leave me alone

sick puppy

its funny to me that when a puppy is sick we care for it

we snuggle it, we bottle feed it, we try and try and try to make sure the dog lives longer

i have felt like an old dog my whole life

ready to be put down

eating the cakes from counter tops

shocked when im in trouble and throwing up

my therapist asked me to get to know this part of me that wants to kill me

who’s been in the driver’s seat?

for over a decade

trying to take me out like an sick dog

or a mad dog

put me out of my misery

now that are unblended i can see

this part is quite caring actually

“learn om”

nothing else. and i remembered that was from my dream upon waking.

learn om

or Aum- known as the sacred sound, representing the essence of ultimate reality, the sound of the universe, a primordial mantra

are my dreams telling me to meditate next to sound? feel the vibrations made from my own throat?

according to wikipedia, the ancient symbol originated in India, “It is the essence of the supreme Absolute,^[2] consciousness” and represents the divine sonically

there is something i’m trying to pinpoint here because something strikes a nerve

a few weeks ago now i met with an astrologer, and she let me know that my chart has many blessings relocated to india. she suggested learning how to make chai the real way or adding more imagery into my life.

so what is it to learn OM

i really dont know, but maybe this is what my solar return is bringing to me

The return chart on its own is kind of cute, pisces stellium in the second house, trine jupiter in cancer in the 7th, taurus moon, 0 DEGREE NEPTUNE AND SATURN CONJUNCTION. very cute until its intense.

lets ponder about this though,

aries 3rd house saturn and neptune 0 degrees conjunction
the 3rd house is communication, siblings, routines, what are we building upon everyday. this conjunction is all about boundaries blurring and structure. saturn ruled tho. i dont really want a saturnian year ahead of me and this is a 3rd house prefection year. one thing at a time and i will be great.

pisces 2nd house stellium
money and materials, what i own. pisces is about connecting, giving for others, tapping in spiritually. ruled by jupiter in the 7th. will my partnerships bless me with money lol. i hope so.

taurus moon in between my natal jupiter and saturn is cute, maybe sweetening my blessings and easing up my home life. becoming more comfortable in wherever i decide to call home.

with pluto right in the 1st i think this year will be transformative and blessing. there seems to be some more emotional hardships or changes with a living situation with the square to the moon in the 4th, but i believe i am taken care of and i trust in the timing

all in all, i have no idea what this year might look like. the possibilities are endless, hopefully i stay sober, only with connection to god- and maybe in om can i deepen that. theres something my spirits are telling and this could be the call of the hero’s journey we love so much. through the potential shake ups and growth, OM could be what keeps us all tied to the ground and reality. to be continued…

“Scientific studies on Om suggest that the mental repetition of Om results in a physiological state at one time characterized by reduced physiological alertness, increased sensitivity as well as synchronicity, as well as changes at specific levels along the auditory pathway suggestive of increased sensitivity to sensory transmission.”

fluffy morning dove,

high above in the coconut tree

how do you feel? what can you see?

are you building your nest? just sitting away from the rest?

are you tired? excited?

nervous? or sad?

can you see the roosters? just over the wall to the west,

they yell and they peck and sit in small cages

do you know that youre free? sitting alone on your big leaf

bird spa in the middle noon hours

is that where you find peace?

hiding from the sun, in the shade from your tree

looking at the lizards that sit next to me

how i wish i wish i wish i could grow wings

sing loud in the mornings, mid day lay

a bird life with bird problems

my back is unevenly strong

my vision is not as perfect as it once was

i a m u n c o m f o r t a b l e

in my clothes

in my skin

with my hair

what am i doing

thinking

doing

listening

laying

lost and untethered

a wondering fool often called wise

the stories we tell
ourselves keep us,
often in boxes

listen, write, erase, rewrite, rewrite

erase my beliefs

a path is made by walking

so walk

one step at a time

one foot in front of the other

nothing is lost like time

you will always find yourself

you follow you everywhere

collecting signatures and credit card forms

i need to go on a run, i need to go to a meeting, i have a dinner reservation, i have to volunteer, i have to work out, i need to meditate, i scrolled for 2 hours, journaled, wrote a poem, watch the news, watch the new, watch the news, watch the news

is there a correct way to navigate a world that is crumbling around me?

people praise the kings

loudly

and violently

“woke is dead, censorship is over”

no one thinks past their toes

they think this is freedom

but the cameras are up, our texts are being monitored

ai security systems

blacked out documents

fear and chaos runs us

ready to fight my neighbors

still kneeling to the money

“protect the children protect our cities protect our towns”

thats what they say while they rape our children

bomb our cities

and shoot up the towns

but at least i can sit at work

miserably listen to noise of the sheep

i can give a warm smile

im sending emails

im following up

im selling windows

im trying to show up for those around me

A seed sprouts in the ground

a branch emerges and from there more branches grow

then more branches grow from the branches

and so on and so forth

I have been enjoying looking at the leafless trees

The branches from the branches from the branches

from the trunk from the roots from deeper roots

hidden far into the ground

I see the grandiose everywhere

Do you see the repeating patterns?

If we can go infinitely up, can we go infinitely down?

How far down do the hidden roots go?

Can I find the depths within myself

or do I have to dig down down down?

I heard someone say “my will is fast, god’s will is slow”

and another someone said, “I find that God is in the pause”

so now I try to notice the break, the breathe, and the pause.

The longer I look deeper and clean up around the roots,

the more the flowers have a chance to bloom.

Complex, never-ending, self similar patterns across different scales are seen throughout nature

If I work on the inside, the small change can be mirrored

over and over and over again

until my branches have branches that have branches

“A fractal is a never-ending pattern. Fractals are infinitely complex patterns that are self-similar across different scales. They are created by repeating a simple process over and over in an ongoing feedback loop. Driven by recursion, fractals are images of dynamic systems – the pictures of Chaos.”
- https://fractalfoundation.org/resources/what-are-fractals/

dry and teary

heavy and tired

the patterns on the wooden floors move in circular motions

my hands look bigger and separate from me

the grays are grayer

time moves slow

waiting for the dragging days to end

until they speed up again

bright and big

taking in the light

bluer blues and a greener greens

feet moving quickly on the ground

or laying in the grass

i float above my body

i stick a straw into the moment

sucking the pouch of joy dry

waiting for the replenish

i feel it all behind my eyes

In:
cheesy rice and lentils
MYSCENE
1940s silhouettes
a private life
athleticism and intellect
tiger print
central america
sobriety
portuguese
side bangs
craft beer
south east asia

Out:
fast food chains
instagram/social media addiction
big cities
vapes
AI
bangs
brunch
cowboy boots
faux fur
the words “psychosis” “gaslighting” “love-bombing”
renee rapp
delivery apps
stadium shows
the united states of america

The sun is moving into Capricorn, winter is here, and we are given a time to think about what we want. we don’t need to worry about the entire next year but from the start of the winter season until the spring, what do we want to get done? what do we want to have?

The themes of winter, and all the Capricorn energy (that will be activating my 4th house) I want to focus this next season on ways I can have my home feel comfortable.

Since Saturn rules Capricorn and mine is in Taurus, this really emphasizes home routines for me. And since Saturn is in Pisces until 2/13/26, we can use this dreamy energy connected to the “suffering pays off” mindset to look at what we want to get moving and shaking for the next 3 months. When Saturn moves into Aries there might be some tension to get things started how we want them.

Remember the interest of our efforts compounds daily.

I really neglect my home rituals, I don’t ever make my bed, I am bad at cooking regularly, and I don’t dust, and nothing on any surface is organized. So I am going to find small ways of implementing routine into my room without stressing myself out.

Before the solstice, we have the Sagittarius New Moon on 12/19
Sagittarius: the centaur, the archer, the wanderer

Ruled by Jupiter, we still have cancer’s influence

This moon is also square Neptune in Pisces, so with some of neptune’s touch, we can wonder about our dreams.
Where do we want to expand?
is there a difference between growth and expansion? i think expansion is just bigger or wider and maybe growth has some structure and deeper roots?

anyways, i want to expand my creative practices. it does not have to be deep to get done. it does not have to be good to be done.

this new moon will be in my 3rd house of communication, thinking, routine, short trips, siblings (in general just like what is around)
now if youre still reading this, the way we look at how this could affect us personally is by looking at the ruler of the new moon-Jupiter- which is in cancer- and for me a libra rising, in my 10th house. the 10th house is all about public life, career, reputation, social influence, leadership.
I might have good conversations for networking, manifest a raise or promotion, have a pleasant conversation with a boss. this might be a nice time for me to like think about what i can do in my daily life to be better in my public life (the literal way this has actually shown for me during this jupiter transit is starting 2 roads of recovery where i now can navigate situations a little more freely in my public life and i stress less about the idea of career now. i can prioritize being of service :)) but! my natal Jupiter is in Taurus in my 8th house, which is about karma. am i keeping my side of the street clean? am i keeping my room clean? (taurus being about home and comfort)

according to kelly surtees, this new moon’s beginnings will bring us back old baggage, requiring some healing to move forward

With all the energy of endings and beginnings swirling around and around, what are my lunar cycle goals looking like? what are my solstice to equinox goals looking like? What needs to heal? What parts of us have we been neglecting?
Because this last new moon is influenced by Jupiter in Cancer (and they will be until June) and my natal Jupiter in Taurus, I am forced to look at the places I neglect the most; my bedroom, my chores, general tidiness, and how I take care of myself.

I will be trying to make my home a sanctuary for myself

So this is my simple list of what I want to implement, routines around the home

1. make my bed

2. write more and make more art physically

3. wash my bedding more regularly lol

4. do my laundry more routinely, not just when i have no clothes

5. more candles or a essential oil diffusor

6. finally make an alter

7. buy cuter shelves for my small chochkies

8. cook dinner 3 times a week? breakfast both weekend days?

is this extravagant? maybe but if i can do half i will be so happy

thanks for reading and happy solsticeeeeeeeeeeeee

Why do men do this thing at clubs, concerts, parties, raves, etc., where they just stand SOOOOO close to you, right up behind you. its so common i watched it happen multiple times at a show last night and it happened to me not for the first time.

trying to dance with my friends and have fun is like impossible when men just invade my space and i dont mean when a man is dancing near me, like straight up standing behind me to the point where i moved away and he moved closer where im still hitting into him. but for the first time i asked him to move back. but in people pleasing lizette fashion i apologized like 5 times in less than a minute. it went something like this:

after what felt like 2 songs of him being too close to me, i tried moving a little away and he stood too close behind me again. so i turned around- prepared to be like “please move away from me” and what left my mouth was “hi excuse me sorry can you like take a step back sorry just like one step back please sorry i keep hitting you thanks” and he was like “oh sorry my bad haha” and then left. and like i felt great that he moved but also why did i apologize.

and i watched this happen to others too. my friend was dancing and like multiple men just went up behind her and started touching her until she started dancing on me which then i was like yas fun but also she was pushing me with her butt which made me laugh but i also want to dance uninterrupted and feel the music. partially i think hard techno is what im liking more compared to dubstep and drum and base. the last sober hard techno show was amazing and felt so nonstop- also UNTIL A MAN WAS TALKING TO ME LOL. I enjoy chatting out and about, but what is enjoyable about screaming what every other word. and if you want to dance to someone, bring fun energy into their space not creepy ass fucking standing behind me energy. like in what world is that great time. usually the people that do that are weird and -IM SORRY- ugly.

this is not reflective or about accepting anything because i dont want to accept people touching me or my friends and i also do wanna dance ok bye thanks